Sunday, September 17, 2006

Popeye Found Dead, Bad Spinach the Culprit

The sailor-man commonly known as Popeye was found dead in his sea-side home Saturday. The only clue to his death was a half-empty bag of Spinach found close-by. The only eye-witness, Wimpy, was found near the scene, cowering in a corner of the room while eating a hamburger. Before he would answer any of the policeman’s questions, he insisted that the officer lend him a dime so that he may buy another burger. Said witness promised to pay back the dime on Thursday.

Wimpy told police that it was a typical day for Popeye. Long-time rival Brutus had once again kidnapped Olive-Oil, and the heroic sailor ran to the cupboard to retrieve a can of spinach, which is said to give Popeye super-human powers. When he found that there was no canned spinach in the house, he desperately opened a bag of fresh spinach. Wimpy stated that before Popeye could make it out of the house, the hero “began to look very ill.” Wimpy pointed out that he “offered Popeye a hamburger, at which point he [Popeye] ran to the bathroom and vomited uncontrollably.” The witness said, “I just thought he was shocked that I would offer him one of my delicious burgers!” Things took a turn for the worse, however, when Popeye returned from the bathroom. Wimpy said that “if the bloody diarrhea hadn’t set in, he might have made it.” He then added, “Something must have been wrong with that spinach. That is why I stick to ground beef! No risk of contamination with that, is there?”

Unfortunately, Olive-Oil is still missing. Police are in pursuit of the infamous Brutus, who often uses the alias Bluto, but doubt that they will be successful in apprehending him.

Funeral services for Popeye will be held on Tuesday. His epigraph, which was supposed to read “I’m strong to the fininsh, cuz I eats me spinach,” will have to be changed.
Posted by Bradley Reid Freeny II :: 10:09 PM :: 0 comments

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